I will miss 'me'

I was walking down the street, the dark evening, the cool autumn breeze; the colorful foliage all seemed to have a melancholic hue. I never realized what the last two years was for me, until now. I now understand my relationship with Finland. The time I was here, I always thought I have grown up for feelings, and emotions; while precisely at those moments I was doing the opposite.

Somehow, for the past one week, every day I find myself in a different part of the city. The market square brought to me memories of the day when the city had assembled to see the local team win the ice hockey championship. Soon winter will come, snow will fall, market square will get covered with snow, and the huge and brightly decorated Christmas tree would stand still, opposite the cathedral. Only, I won’t be here.

Today I emptied my desk, segregated the papers to throw and to keep, and came across my address slips. I knew they will be valid no more, and I quietly put them with the papers I had to throw. I saw my two years, lying in that box, ready to be disposed.

I had ceased to feel that I was in a foreign country, the people on the streets would seem to be my own, the clatter of Finnish seemed my language to the subconscious, the silence on the street seemed natural and weather regular. I feel the best part of my life was these two years. I would trade anything I could, only to not leave Finland, Alas ! the world does not go with emotions and we can't take decisions from our heart.

No more everyday walk to the office, no more waving to the pizza guy on the way and the mutual silent 'hi' with the lady who goes to her shop the same time, for the last two years.

I won’t come to office after Friday, won’t drink the coffee from the office pantry, won’t try to read the Finnish newspaper through the pictures and won’t see the park from my window, won’t get to talk to my colleagues aund won’t attend the office parties.

I will no more have colleagues as the closest person in this country. No more phone calls to colleague to help me with translations, while I am standing in the aisle of supermarket. No more cursing the supermarket to make me hurry up before 6pm every saturday.

After two days, I will call the taxi service number, will take my bags outside the door of apartment. I will push the door as I have been doing for the last two years, only this time, I won’t keep the key in my pocket but gently put in the mail box slot. I will climb down the stairs and will turn around to see my ‘home’ for the last time in life and wheels will roll. After that I will present my passport, get my boarding pass and the plane will snatch me far from Finland. My silent desire will be drowned in the power surge of those two jet engines.

I will reach India, will be checked for passport and not visa, and yet I will feel like I am coming to a foreign country. I will once again be alone in a city in what was my own country two years ago.

I will never forget these two years of my life, and I am going with a plan that if I am not able to live away from Finland, I would come back. I know this is not going to happen, life does not go by my desires, but this is my silverlining. I will treasure every moment in Finland, and my colleagues will always remain my best friends.

I have lost a part of 'me' in Finland.

Good bye Finland, I will miss ‘me’.

Any blame for this sappy & incoherent post should lie with 'Twilight Fairy' who made me write this post.